Peter and the Starcatchers

"Peter and the Starcatchers" by Dave Barry and Ridley Pearson.
         Peter and four other orphan boys are being shipped off to an island to be used as servants for a cruel king.  What they don't know, though, that the Never Land, the ship that they're traveling on, carries precious cargo.  Soon Peter, his gang, and his new friend Molly; Black 'Stache, the wicked pirate; the Queen's Navy; and the Second-in-command of the Never Land are all in contention, fighting battles on land and see, for the trunk of the precious and all powerful starstuff.

Did that summary sound silly to you?  It should.  This is one of the silliest books that I have ever read.  And I do not mean that in a good way.  "Skulduggery Pleasant" was an enjoyably silly book, because it was quick and witty.  This book is slow, draggy, and just plain ridiculous.  It's been a favorite with everyone else I've talked to, though.  Even though it has the stupidest plot line ever.
      Okay, I'll admit it.  I've never been a Peter Pan and Tinker Bell sort of girl.  I'll opt out of Neverland for a trip to Wonderland any day, thank you very much, give me my tea at four and my hatters mad, and I'll stay out of your hair.  Wendy, her brothers, and the wild child who stole them away seemed always a bit to . . . I don't know.  But pirates?  A dog that was basically a nanny?  And giant alligators?  This might seem funny coming from the mouth of someone who swears by fiction, but it always seemed a bit too outrageous to me.
       This books makes it even worse.  You couldn't ask for a more stereotypical crew of pirates, I swear it to heaven and bad.  Sometimes stereotypes are good, but in this case they just make everything worse.  "Black 'Stache" refers to the pirate who has a black mustache.  Originality, anyone?
      Another sore point for me was that I could never get a firm grip on Peter.  The book is narrated third person, and it switches from viewpoint to viewpoint often, so only about 1/3 of the book is spent on Peter.  I didn't get to know him as well as one should get to know a book character, didn't come to understand what he was thinking and feeling as you should with a well-rounded character.
       Oh, something else against Peter.  He was basically like "Starstuff exists?  Okay!"  Gullible little bugger, he is.  In most books people who used to live on the street are smart and never take things at first glance.  Sure, he pokes around a bit and asks questions and whatnot, but mainly he's just . . . too believing.  And he's not enough of a rapscallion or a rascal.  Wasn't J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan a rapscallion and a rascal?
     The character of Molly was a bit unpredictable.  Well, way unpredictable.  She didn't act in a set pattern. Have you noticed that people act in a set pattern?  Someone punches them, they will cry or punch back.  They are left at the mercies of the powers that be, and they will grovel and scream or give the powers that be a shiner to remember them by.  Molly's character cries and gives shiners.  It makes no sense.
      Also, most of the humor falls flat.  The second paragraph of the first chapter was funny.  I didn't get the rest of it.  Um, food that's made out of worms isn't funny.  Um, dropping the two heaviest people on the ship overboard isn't funny.  Um, a captain with discarded meat parts over his cabin isn't funny.  Um, telling a porpoise that you have green teeth isn't funny.  Um, I'm sorry, but this book just isn't funny.  Sorry to bust your bubble.   I mean, come on.  "The Fellowship of the Rings" is funnier, and that book is basically written in Old English.
      So, fly straight until midnight, then take the third start to the right, or whatever it is, if it pleases you, but the magic that you find at the end of this rainbow is loud and obvious and one can definitely do without it.